Every relationship that involves children needs to have the “discipline” conversation, but that conversation is even more sensitive in a biological parent / girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. When does the “other person” approach the subject? How and when is it appropriate to ask someone if they are okay with you disciplining their child?
It’s like anything in life and relationships, I feel you approach the subject when you feel the time is right for you. For me it was when I had been dating Jason for about 8 months, he had full custody so Makaela was always with us. I had also been taking Makaela on my own quite a bit to run errands, get our nails done, etc. so wanted to know my boundaries. At no point did I ask about physically disciplining Makaela, as I don’t feel that’s my place, and know that wasn't a part of Jason’s parenting beliefs. So, the conversation was really just asking if he trusted me and was okay with me disciplining Makaela (giving consequences mainly), if he wasn’t around, for things like lying or talking back or anything else that may come up. Makaela has always been a really good kid so I really wasn't worried about actually having to discipline her, but more than anything wanted to know that I could should something happen while we were together and he wasn't around.
I am a firm believer that you talk to the child right away when you witness bad behavior vs. waiting until you get home, because then it's a delayed reaction and the child may not understand the consequence or realize the bad behavior if it's a delayed conversation. The conversation went easier than I thought. As it is with any big conversation, I overthought how he may interpret my intent regarding the conversation. Ultimately, he told me trusted me and we’ve been on the same page ever since. And, Makaela knows that she cannot go to one parent, get an answer, and if she doesn’t like it to go the other parent to try for another answer. She knows that we continually support one another and are on the same page regarding the decisions that are being made in regards to her overall well-being.
In the 5+ years that Jason and I have been together I think Makaela has had maybe 3 big consequences. As she’s gotten older, Jason and I take more time to discuss potential consequences to determine how to handle the situation and then we’ll sit down and approach with Makaela, to discuss the situation and consequences, if applicable, together.
Every family handles consequences differently; this is just how we’ve evolved over the years.
Parenting is trial and error, what works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another. I grew up in a time where, as a kid, you didn’t ask questions, you just followed the rules and did as you were told and if you didn’t there were consequences. Times have changed but one thing that remains constant is that hard conversations are just that, hard, but so much easier if you and your partner are on the same page.
Comments